Am I wrong?
I went yesterday to a wedding. It was fun! More like a DJ party than a regular wedding. Of course, the older women were complaining as usual (nothing ever pleases them! They always find something to critisize)I wore my red dress with black lace. It felt nice to be back and dress up for a change, instead of daily 'college clother', like jeans and t-shirt everyday! I missed my shoes!!!!!! LOL
Anyways, there has been one subject on my mind since I came back. I want to know if I AM WRONG.
Here is a little bit of a background on myself, before I get to the point.
All my life, I have never had a boyfriend. Specifically saudi. my top 5 reason are as follows:
5. It's socially unacceptable (no debate here - it still is)
4. Pre-marital relationships are more problems than they are worth, too much of a hassle in this country.
3. The risk of falling for a 'bastard' can be a fatal socially. Your rep, down the drain.
2. Religiously wrong
and the number one reason is...
1. my mom explicitly told me: banat al nas ma ye9a7bo - and you happen to be bint nas.
straight-forward and direct. sigh...fine.
I would like to point out here that I, like all normal girls, have had crushes and personal admirers some time or another. But, I never let it ever cross that line. The thought of a relationship never crossed my mind!
Then, around 16 years oId, when I moved back to Jeddah. Things changed. More and more, i see a friend whispering in a cell phone and laughing. or another coincidently bumping into a cute guy in al-sawari. or when girls go to al rimal beach in the weekend (my mom didnt let me go) and then chatter about it on Saturday (beginning of the week here) about who has crush on who.
At that point of my life, I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted to be part of that in-crowd that looked like so much fun! I had many heated debates with my mom.
Fortunately, I was basically pre-occupied with my future and getting into an ivey league school in the states. It's amazing how you can block out everything is your life when you completely focus on a goal. School, TOEFL, SAT, SAT II and university research and applications was all what was on my mind. I didn't think about it that much.
flash-forwad. 9/11 happens. no studying abroad for you young lady!
I stay in saudi. ok cool. np. when you fall, you stand up again. plus my best friend told me im too depressing and im complaining too much. fine. I get into a wonderful school in Jeddah and I spend four great years.
During these four years, the thought of getting a relationship still never crossed my mind. Actually, as I matured even further, I became CONVINCED that the old fashioned way is right. I was witnessing too many sad break-up stories. Occasionally, I even get into those modes where i kinda 'lecture' my friends about what is right and what is wrong. Pre-marital relationships are not right. You should wait until the right guy comes and marries you!
They call it: the SS Syndrome (my mom's initials are SS). They find it hilarous.
Now, I am studying abroad, but my strict rules still apply. A good girl is a good girl wherever she is. right? right!
>> I can hear you saying, ok sunshine, what's your point? Why are you driving us to boredom with your old-fashioned opinions?
well, the point is. Being part of Jeddah's lively social circle, I get to go to many - you could even say an excessive number of - weddings, engagements, bridals, milka's, '3omras, ...etc, and I have noticed a pattern.
The pattern is that all of those recent marriages are a result of a pre-marital relationship. Moreover, all of them were of respectable families 'banat o awlad nas'. Actually, now it is kind of expected that the guy and the girl know each other first -somehow- then he would go and tell his family that: hey, I want this girl. Then, they get married and they have a higher probability of sustaining the marriage and being happy becaue they had a change to verify that this is the right partner for them?
Thus, the question is, have the times truly changed? Do people want to stop relying on mothers to arrange marriages? Should society start accepting that men and women may meet and start a relationship before really starting it 'officially'?
Am I wrong in expecting an old-fashioned marriage and expect happiness from it - just because, I would rather avoid the guilt, the risk and the hassle of a secret pre-marital relationship? Should I stop refusing advances for maybe - maybe - one of these guys has a higher, more noble end in mind?
I am not a scholar of sociology, nor am I a writer about cultural issues. I am a techie and a business person. I work with numbers and I need benchmarks.
Has the benchmark of what is right and what is wrong changed?
posted by SunShine @ 7:52 p.m.
9 Comments:
الظاهر كلنا بنسأل نفسنا نفس السؤال
و كلنا نسأله في نفس السن
السن اللي نبدأ نفكر فيها اننا نتجوز فعلاً و نستقر
احتمال انو مشكلتنا في السعودية اننا مجتمع مغلق اجتماعياً
و في الفترة الأخيرة سرنا منفتحين جداً على الثقافات الأخرى بسبب التلفزيون و القنوات و الافلام و الانترنت و الى اخره
اتوقع التفكير فعلاً بدأ يتغير على طريقة الزواج
الواحد سار يبغى يعيش قصة حب حلوه زي اللي نشوفها في الافلام و تنتهي نهاية سعيدة و يعيشو الاتنين في تبات و نبات
بس في نفس الوقت فين الواحد يلاقي انسان او انسانه كويسة يتعرف عليها؟
و كيف حيتعرف عليها؟
و كيف نضمن انه حيكون شخص محترم و ولد ناس كويسين؟
هل الواحد حيجلس يتعرف على سته ولا سبعه اشخاص الين يلاقي انسان او انسانه بنت حلال؟
و هل يعتبر الشخص اللي يتعرف على سته ولا سبعه اشخاص ,, شخص نقدر نقول عليه كويس؟
و السن اللي الانسان يفكر يتعرف فيها بتكون بحدود 17 ولا 18 سنة
هل هي سن شخص تفكيرة ناضج كفاية انه يختار شريكة حياة؟
انا شايف انها مخاطرة
و في نفس الوقت الكلام السابق ما ينطبق على الجميع
و شكراً
Sunshine,
You have raised a rather controversial topic. I believe that men and women should meet in public places in society to know what their options are. I mean if we take Egypt as an example, people meet at cafes, clubs, schools, and organizations. Religious and respected men and women meet one another and then decide to marry without going through the "old-fashioned" way of the mother choosing her son's wife. In my opinion, the "right" way is: as soon as a man meets his dream girl he starts a serious committment. The "wrong" way is: the man and his dream girl stay in a relationship for years and then break up because he is not serious or he doesn't like her anymore, or, or, or.
Times HAVE changed.. and we've become older and much wiser than we were when we were 16..
and u know what?.. how much of a "secret" did it have to be if everyone knows that they had a pre-marital relationship?.. maybe that's your answer :)
Well,
Finally that you're living in Canada, you gotta have some fun..
I believe that one has to balance between all aspects of his/her life..
Fun, Love, Work, Study, Self actualization, spiritual, etc...
If we want to discuss what is happening over here, I truly don't believe that there is a bench mark, unless we conduct a statistical study and measure the deviation, and correlation coefficiant..
there are marriages that were once a pre marital relation ship,which are disastrous. and there are traditional marriages that are disastrous and vice versa.
there is no rule, or a bench mark one could follow..
I believe in letting your self experience what is around you according to your own beliefs, standards and definition of what is right and wrong.. ofcourse as long as you not harming "the society"
& girl I'll get a stripper for you!!
Things have changed in jeddah a lot in the past few years... i can tell you that it's become more acceptable to have a "pre-marital relationship"..
there are a lot of those left who want to get married the traditional way and that's their right and choice but personally i wouldn't. i don't think i'd go and tell my mom.. mama i wanna get married start the hunt! because why would anyone refuse me? and why i should refuse anyone on the other hand? being a good person isn't enough to have a lasting relationship..
you should know that person and find out if you're willing AND capable of spending the rest of your life with him/her and that unfortunately can't be told from the engagment these days..
i'm sure there are a great deal of bastards out there but there is good too and i wouldn't find the good if i hadn't been through the bad..
i can't tell you if this is "right" or "wrong" but this is how i choose to conduct my life..
and then again there are no rules.. are there?
who said that an old fashioned mariage wouldn't be happier than any other relationship? and who says that 2 who were in love before marriage will stay that way?
i honestly don't know..
Things will change for you just as they have changed for us in the West. We went through the same process of relationship evolution. it used to be a taboo - having a relationship before marriage, as recently as 50 years ago (take Italy, for instance). Now if you marry a person you know little about, leave alone have relationship with - you become a laughing stock of the entire community. It's expected that you know each other well enough, and live together for a while, before you proceed with the wedding and such like.
I can't see it happening in the Gulf as yet, but don't you think that things that evolve underground tend to come out at some point ;-)
So maybe in 50 years or so it will be as common in the Gulf as it is now in the West.
I think it is great that you stood by your morals despite all the chances/pressure around you. As long as you are happy with your decisions and made them because you wanted to, then I don't see anything wrong.
But if you are tired of being 'the good girl' then yallah! What have you got to lose? Don't worry what people will say or think about you... do your own thing, live yoru own life.
Wow,thank you all for your comments. So, I guess we are all on the same wave-length and I am not alone in my dilemma.
There are some changes going on in my world and I can't keep on ignoring it. I probably don't agree that we will ever become like western countries like some suggested, but all Arab countries are definately going towards a more liberal trend.
It's kind of hard finding that balanced life between religion, doing your own thing and keeping people you love and respect (parents) happy.
cheers =)
btw i apologize for the late appearance of your comments. I was playing around with different setting to get to learn how everything works.
It's all back to normal now. If your comment has not appeared, please don't hesitate to post again =)
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